My Fasting Story, Part II: The First Week
by Ellen Livingston
Our first night together is spent at a hotel just outside of the capital city of San Jose. Upon my arrival from the airport, I meet the woman who is to be my roommate for the duration of the fast. She is young and very chatty, and I worry that her bubbly energy will bother me. Later I will appreciate her as the perfect roommate for me - she is solid, thoughtful, calm, positive, and deeply spiritual. Her mantra: "It's all good".
I get a big, excited embrace from a beloved roommate at a previously attended Doug Graham event - we did not know each other would be here! She is here to intern, so she will be taking care of me. I also connect with another faster who is a friend of a close friend of mine. I reconnect with Lennie, Doug's primary assistant, and enjoy a big fatherly bear hug from Doug himself. I feel the familiar pulse of my raw tribe. I am deeply a part of this loving, supportive web. I can hardly believe I am really here, after all the years of talking about it.
A beautiful, simple dinner of pineapples, mangoes, and a cucumber-tomato salad is served, with little green Costa Rican oranges. It tastes unbelievably good, and I eat well, knowing this is the last food I will have for a long time! We are a big group, 22 in all, 12 of us fasters. We are an impressively international group, with people hailing from England, Sweden, Australia, eastern and western Canada, as well as eastern, western, southern, and central United States. Some have already begun their fast, and don't linger long at the dinner table. But we are all introduced, and Doug sets the stage for what promises to be an incredible journey of healing, together.
I have a private conversation with Doug at the end of dinner, and again share with him my fears about what my emotional journey will be like on the fast. Doug encourages me to stay in the present moment, where, he assures me, "Everything will be fine". I want to believe him, I want to get to know myself in the present moment - no past, no future, just now - but I wonder, could this be a form of running away, of avoidance or denial? Later in the fast I learn a simple, effective method to acknowledge and release emotional baggage from the past that is weighing me down.
Day 1 of the fast
We make an early start, skipping breakfast (!), and have a
glorious 6 hour bus ride through the mountains to the Rio
Chirripo Retreat - the beautiful, rustic facility chosen
for our fast. We begin to get to know each other during
the bus ride, and a mood of excited anticipation is
palpable. Many times during the day I feel hungry and have
a strong desire to eat, but by evening this drama has
subsided. Our rooms are simple but adequate, with a
bathroom in each. We have a wonderful balcony, and our
view of mountains and valleys is breathtaking! My generous
roommate lets me take the big bed by the window - "It's all
good", she says cheerfully.
My roommate and I crawl thankfully into bed at 6:30 p.m. It is dark, and chilly (I sleep in long johns, socks, and a fleece jacket). We keep the window open because the mountain air feels so refreshing! I can hear the rushing waters of the Rio Chirripo in the near distance, and the chirping of insects. Deep sleep comes easily.
Day 2
I experience the first of many gorgeous 7 a.m. mountain
sunrises, rising from bed to watch from my balcony today.
The interns are busy bringing us water refills and
monitoring us for blood pressure, hydration, weight, body
temperature, and any symptoms, insights, or emotional
dramas we experience. They have been instructed to get to
know us well this first week, so that they will recognize
any red flags in our subsequent behavior as the fast
progresses. They rotate every 5 days, so that each intern
has a chance to work with each faster, thereby expanding
their training experience.
Today Doug and Lennie offer their first formal lecture and discussion, an event to be held every day throughout our stay, from 1 - 4 p.m. in the spacious and beautiful main building, about 25 yards from our rooms (a distance that will come to feel long in the weeks ahead!). In today's lecture Doug compares the medical model to natural hygiene. A medical doctor amongst the fasters is brought to tears, as she recognizes the full impact on herself of the incongruence between what she is learning here about health creation, and what she has learned in her medical training about the treatment of disease.
I am definitely slowing down physically, but my roommate and I are still able to enjoy a short hike down to the river, and to the pool. Soon we will say goodbye to the pool until after our fast is completed, as it is located at the bottom of a big hill, and Doug warns us that we will not be able to get back up this hill just a few days from now.
My only symptoms so far are excessive urinations, a little emotional fragility and lonesomeness for my children, a slight white coating on my tongue, and some overall weakness and chill. I am not hungry till evening, but then I really want to eat! Doug has advised us not to talk about food.
I am reading a big book called Saint Francis, and tonight it brings me to tears as I recognize the depth of my desire to shed more and more of my material possessions, the depth of my awareness that they don't mean much to me. I want to unveil the true source of happiness. I suffer because I don't know how to do this in today's world. I am aware that a perceived need to chase after money and things constantly distracts me from pursuing my deepest truths.
Day 3
I am up at 5:30 this morning, with the first birdsong. As
I sit on my balcony listening to yoga chants through my
ipod and awaiting the sunrise, I enter into a state of pure
bliss. Tears of joy stream down my face, as my heart seems
to swell and swell to proportions much too big to be
contained in my body. (This is an experience that I will
get to enjoy many more times on this fast.)
I feel good today, and have more energy than I did
yesterday. My only physical complaint is an intense ache
in my lower back. Doug says this is related to the
vigorous cleansing work going on in my kidneys at this
early stage of the fast. I suspect it is also from the hard
mattress I have here. I get some relief from a back rub
by one of the interns, and some gentle yoga postures. I am
able to enjoy one more short swim in the pool. We have
been advised to request of our bodies no more than gentle
movement, and to taper even that over the next few days.
The point of this fast is total rest, as near as possible.
In lecture today we share our symptoms - everyone has a coating on their tongue. Doug introduces the "Laws of Life", which we will make a daily study of throughout the fast. We are all still experiencing waves of hunger that come and go, but it seems that these are subsiding gradually. My roommate and I both notice that our teeth now feel super clean and smooth. My breath is still sweet (unlike some of the other fasters! I think this is due to my low-fat raw vegan diet for years preceeding the fasting). I have lost 1.5 pounds since yesterday.
Day 4
I feel fine again today, and my back and hip soreness is
dramatically better. I am quite lightheaded when I first
get up, but this quickly gets better, too. I enjoy another
picture-perfect mountain sunrise from my balcony, again
entering into a delicious state of pure, uninterrupted
bliss. Later, I day-dream about what I want more of in my
life. My current list: Nature, fresh air, sunshine,
laughter and play, yoga, chanting with others, meditation,
playing music, simplicity, heart connections with my kids,
romance, art-making, love, health, abundance, FREEDOM!
We get a fascinating lecture today about levels of consciousness, with a video of a talk on this topic by Robert Sniadach. Also, another Law of Life from Doug, and a discussion about colon health and hydration. I learn more from Doug everyday - he seems to be a continuous fountain of knowledge. I am too tired to record all that I am learning.
Day 5
It is harder to get up for the sunrise this morning, but I
manage to and am glad for it! I don't feel much different
today, just more tired and slower. Today I decide I will
commit myself to a year of doing my very best to create
health in all areas of my life. For me at this point, that
means sleep and stress need my laser-sharp focus. I determine
to hold onto the health benefits I am receiving from this
fast.
I dream and dream and dream today of the simpler, quieter country life I long for. I expend all of my available energy writing out plans and goals, and making lists, charts, and drawings of my schemes. What an amazing experience to have the time to do this!
In lecture today we share our personal stories with each other, stories of cleansing, fasting, and discovering 80-10-10 (Doug's diet and lifestyle program). I share some of my long story, and I am very touched by one of the intern's stories. She tells of her long time going it alone as a single mother, and of her ongoing struggle to find and connect with a new tribe, a new purpose and a new lifestyle.
I decide that I must drop the story I tell myself so often: that life is hard and I have to pull it all off by myself; that it's so hard to earn a living while raising three kids as a single parent; that it is not right to have to give up home schooling to pay the bills. I resolve to take back my personal power, to stay the course, to follow my heart and to do what I know is right and true, and to trust that the Universe will support this path that is taken with heart. I remind myself that with total health on my side, anything will be possible! I make a plan for my return home for how I am going to create an environment conducive to getting sufficient rest and sleep.
Day 6
I feel very good today. I am well rested, have good
energy, no lightheadedness, no nausea (which has come and
gone in tiny waves previously), and I am at peace. In
fact, I am aware of many blissful moments of deep happiness
and profound gratitude simply for knowing that I know what
I love, and I know what I want. I don't know all the
how-to's, but I know the important stuff. I revel in a
beautiful vision that arises in a dream: I am teaching at
a yoga and raw food retreat, and I am one of the musicians
for the chanting we are doing. I am expressing myself with
such gloriously complete joy and freedom!
The deep love I feel for my three beautiful, remarkable,
totally unique children makes my heart swell up out of my
body-space again. Life is good, so very good. It seems I
could never tire of time to just bask in this wonderful
place of peace, contentment, and appreciation for my
existence. It is such a precious luxury to daydream like
this, to open and close my eyes as I wish, for hours and
days on end.
Today I read all of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, one of my most treasured stories, and the inspiration for my new last name. Then, more of Saint Francis. By evening I am tired, and feeling soreness in my hips again from my too-hard mattress. I also feel vague sensations across the top of my stomach and/or in my esophagus, where my primary disease symptoms have been presenting for so many years. Could healing action be taking place there now? I have no way of knowing exactly what my body is up to, and just have to trust its intelligence and know that my body is always doing its very best to create health.
Day 7
One week! All of the fasters are doing well, and we've had
no major dramas. A couple of women are having trouble with
nausea that causes them to have difficulty taking in
sufficient water. With a tiny bit of watermelon blended
into the water, they are able to keep enough down to avoid
serious dehydration. Bowel movements have mostly ceased
for all of us. Everyone's blood pressure has dropped
significantly, and we are cautioned to be very careful when
we transition from lying to standing to walking. I have
lost about 8 pounds in this first week, as have all the
fasters. It is mostly water weight, we are told, and the
weight loss will now begin to slow down.
I had a restless night in my uncomfortable bed. My hips were hurting, and my mind was churning with thoughts. Happy thoughts, about plans and possibilities for the future, when I return home. I got very stimulated with these thoughts . . . this morning I am uncomfortably aware of how much I have to learn about mind control. I really let my mind get carried away last night, and the health consequence is that I lost a night of sleep.
It is so easy to become attached to all my planning and scheming, to become attached to the stimulation, excitement, and entertainment this excessive mental activity provides. But it leads to unhelpful enervation, and ultimately drains me. True happiness (and profound relief!) is mine when I let go of my attachment to all these possible plans and outcomes for my life, and drink instead from the simple beauty of nature, and the sweet nectar in my heart.
I fall asleep out on the balcony in my hammock this afternoon, and I am visited by a strong, clear voice in my dream. The voice says simply: "It all boils down to this!". I am excited that I am apparently about to receive the true meaning of life, that kernel of truth we all yearn for . . . . instead, I wake up. I feel disappointment, but then I think maybe the message is that it's all contained in the present moment, "this". I think about this throughout the remainder of the fast.
I spend time today considering whether it is necessary to process and understand my "emotional baggage" from my past, or whether it can simply be acknowledged and systematically purged? Or, by turning my attention fully onto creating what I want more of in my life, will this old baggage become so ineffective, unneeded and powerless that it simply falls away painlessly? In my health coaching I teach my clients to put their attention on the new foods and habits they want to bring into their life, rather than on what they want to be rid of, and to trust that with time and practice the new will simply replace the old.
I feel no need for emotional drama. I am content to just be, to just observe, to simply exist. I borrow some big square foam pillows from the main building, and secure them under my bottom bed-sheet. This proves to be a major project, as I am feeling physically weak, and in this state hauling these big pillows around is real work! As I sink into bed for the night, my sore hips find relief at last. . . . .
Stay tuned for Week 2, coming in our next newsletter!
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