My Fasting Story, Part III
by Ellen Livingston
Day 8
I have a new intern monitoring me this week. I am still
feeling fine, still passing the "grip test" (a handshake
test of overall strength and vitality). My only new
symptom this morning is some soreness in the roof of my
mouth. I dreamed of food last night, but not the addictive
cooked foods Doug said we might revisit. In my dreams it
was all luscious, juicy ripe fruit! I attribute this to
the fact that I have adhered to a raw frugivorous diet for
several years preceding this fast.
I had a moving conversation with my new intern about the power of NOW - the idea that what you focus on expands, so if you focus on what you want to create, outworn negative emotional patterns and habits naturally fall away, from simple disuse.
I begin to turn further inward today, and become uncomfortably aware of how much in my life I have identified with the emotion of sadness, and with the experience of suffering. This has become a part of me that does not want to leave easily. It's been my companion, however self-destructive; sadness and suffering have been experiences I can deeply connect with, and their depth has often given me a welcome experience of aliveness. What I want now is to feel that aliveness, that depth of emotion, through joy instead of through sorrow. I want joy, happiness, peace, easefulness, restfulness, vibrancy and health to be my constant companions now. I am not afraid of sorrow and suffering, I just want to release my lingering identity with them, and make more room for joy to be dominant.
I spend my energy today dreaming and planning projects to manifest when I return home, namely my dreams for an affordable place in the country, where my children and I can live more naturally, and closer to Nature. I feel a deep knowing that when we focus on our real, uncompromised dreams, the resources appear and we are supported in our efforts.
After some intestinal discomfort this afternoon, I released a large watery stool, and then felt exhausted the rest of the day from the effort. Doug told me that, given my history of intestinal disease, he would not be surprised if I have digestive tract activity throughout much of the fast, and not to worry. This is another lesson in trusting the process, trusting my body to take appropriate healing action at all times.
Day 9
My energy is quite a bit lower today, and I am still
experiencing some intestinal discomfort and unusual looking
diarrhea. This drains me, but Doug continues to assure me
it is productive, and part of my healing. I wonder where
it is coming from, what exactly is going on inside of me?
But not even Doug can really answer that. I must trust my
body's wisdom, so I do my best to relax and allow my body
to do the work it must do, knowing that it will choose
routes of elimination that cause me the least harm or
discomfort possible.
It feels very good to cultivate this new friendship with my body, this relationship of trust and respect.
Day 10
With renewed energy this morning, I resume my dreaming and
planning for a place in the country. From this place on my
fast, removed from the daily trials and tribulations of my
normal life-space, an unshakable confidence arises within
me. I feel so clear about what I want, what I need, and
what I must do to get there. In this moment, I am
convinced that I can do it!
I make plans to put my house on the market as soon as I return home. Doug has warned us that because of the "keytones" in our blood during a fast, we are not in a good position to make any big decisions, since we may not be thinking as clearly as we believe we are. And, he warns, just like an alcoholic we will likely be in denial of this fact. I remember this, but still I am sure that I am thinking quite clearly! (Is this denial?).
Day 11
More abdominal discomfort and foul yuck emanating from my
bowels in the night made for restless sleep. I am also
seeing hints of blood in my urine and in my stools. I
check it out with Doug - he asks if it is a lot of blood,
and when I tell him "no", he simply reassures me that all
is well. I am still learning to trust my body. I have
also noticed a persistent dull ache in the middle-right of
my back. I wonder if it could be in my gall bladder, which
has been previously diagnosed as "markedly abnormal", but
Doug suggests it is my kidneys, working hard again.
Perhaps these physical discomforts, and anxiety associated
with them, is what prompts me to question yesterday's
confidence about manifesting an immediate move to the
country. Now I am busy convincing myself to take it slow,
to keep things as easy as possible while I continue to
heal. But a competing voice rises from someplace
primordial and shouts, "But your heart says go now, it's
time!"
My material desires are simple, so it seems frustratingly ironic that achieving them appears as such a complicated endeavor. I resolve to listen to my heart, and stop letting my analytical mind talk me out of my real dreams. I take back my power now, and know that I am ready to LIVE, and to take the necessary risks in the process. I am ready to be true to my heart, my soul, my Self.
I make a simple list of THINGS I KNOW FOR SURE:
1. I want to be fully present for the rest of my kids'
childhood, creating wonderful adventures together.
2. I want to live in the country (and someday in a warm climate).
3. I want to live and teach yoga and natural hygiene, and
cultivate exceptional personal health.
4. I want to attract a loving partner.
5. I want to make music and art.
Day 12
I weigh in at a mere 98 lbs. today, down 12 from where I
started. 12 pounds in 12 days.
Most of it came off in the first week - in the last few
days I've only lost 1.5 pounds. I'm feeling weak today, a
little foggy or hazy, and a little bored. At lecture today
Doug challenged us to make a list of 100 personal goals. I
take the challenge, manage to come up with 75, and feel
moved and inspired by what I want to accomplish! Of course,
moving to the country makes the top of the list!
I find myself still immersed in visions of this move. The
"how's" are still daunting at times, the fears still very
real and present at times, but my heart still so true and
clear.
I spend a good part of today alternately inspired and irritated with my fervent business planning and list making. Inspired because I seem to have an endless supply of ideas, and irritated because I'd like my mind to take a well-earned REST already! I re-commit to cultivating my meditation practice.
Day 13 - half way there!
Physically, I am just coasting now, with no dramas, and feeling
fine. I am surprised today when the scale says I weigh 3
pounds less than yesterday! I am down to 95 pounds, and
looking rather "skeletal". Again, I am confronted with the
process of learning to trust my body, and to trust this
fasting and healing process. I definitely don't like to be
this thin. It frightens me a little, but Doug and others
here are extremely supportive and reassuring. Many times
they have seen thin people like me get very skinny fasting before,
and they are not even phased by it, so I relax with it as
much as I can.
I feel supremely empowered and ready to take on my life, yet still a little scared around the edges. Maybe it's a case of fearing my light, my greatness, and my divinity more than my darkness, as described in the often quoted words of Marianne Williamson. In any case, I call my close friend who has just become a realtor, and divulge my intention to sell my house. The ball is rolling outside of me now, and it all feels exhilaratingly real and possible.
I am also aware, in a self-chiding sort of way, that I should be focused on resting, and not allowing myself to expend a lot of fervent energy making big plans and decisions.
Day 14
The strong, absolutely clear voice visited me in my dreams
again last night. The message is this:
"If you love something unconditionally from your past, you can bring it with you."
Home | About Ellen | Services | Products | Articles | Newsletters | Contact
Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Purchase Agreement
Copyright © 2007 Ellen Livingston