My Fasting Story, Part IV
by Ellen Livingston
Note: In January I completed at 26-day hygienic healing fast on water only, in Costa Rica under the supervision of Dr. Douglas N. Graham. You can find the first three installments of this story at www.LivingYogaNow.com ,under the "Ariticles" tab, then scroll to the bottom.
Day 15
I am experiencing such brilliant clarity of thought this
morning! Every word of an original full-length article
just flows right through me, and I get out my journal and
simply transcribe it for my website. If only it was always
like this, and everything came so easily!
I want to read this great article to my roommate, but she is in one of her self-absorbed non-communicative moods, and is not available to listen. We later joke about these moods of hers - she explains that on certain days during the second half of the fast she just had to put every last ounce of energy into simply coping. I understand. After receiving the article, I use the gift of my amazing clarity to design an eight week health course.
Day 16
I still have abundant mental energy and acuity, and today I
use it to study the work of Byron Katie, from her book,
"Loving What Is: Four questions that can change your life",
2002. She teaches that all of our incessant
suffering comes from arguing with reality, and then from
believing our made-up stories. She shows us a method for
arriving at the only thing that IS real, which is what
actually IS in the moment, and for accepting that it is all
perfect, and it is all as it is supposed to be.
This work brings me relief, and a sense of peace. Relief, because with these tools I don't have to work so hard now to make things right, or to suffer so much from other peoples' behavior. Peace, because it all seems so much simpler now. I also feel sad, because I am conscious of how much I have suffered, and how much suffering I have caused others. I also feel some fear, because I sense how big a shift this Byron Katie work requires, and I know that it will demand consistent attention and practice.
Day 17
I have no record of this day in my journal. I'm guessing
my energy was very low!
Day 18
Today I have a long conversation with a faster next door.
She is in her 70's, and I often seek her company because I
enjoy the wisdom she has accumulated. Today we share about
growing up (both of us) with the profound experience of
feeling invisible, unworthy, unlovable, and unable to reach
out for the love and help we needed (even pushing
well-meaning people away!), and of carrying these experiences
with us into adulthood.
I am approaching the very low body weight I reached years ago when I first began a raw food diet and did not know how to get enough calories. In their concern and fear, my family criticized my choices then, and I did not feel supported. I worry now that I will experience this feeling of rejection again when I return home, so skinny from the fast. This time is different, though. This time I have lost weight on an intentional fast, and I now know how to gain it back, in the right time. But I do feel very vulnerable at this low weight, and I know that I will need to be strong in the face of others' concern and judgment about what I have chosen to do for my health.
Day 19
I am weepy, emotional this morning. My study of Byron
Katie has exposed many of my issues. I revisit the
experiences that lead up to my divorce; so much seems
painfully unresolved in that relationship, still. I spend
most of the day just staring out the window.
In lecture today Doug presents a technique for processing baggage from our past, and then releasing it so that we are free to create a new future. When I have the energy I will try out his advice.
Day 20
The wise voice visits me again in my dreams. This time it
simply declares, "None". I spend today practicing being in
what I call "the none-space". It is a blissful place where
everything drops away, and I am content to simply BE.
There are no voices here, no dreams, no projects,
aspirations, or plans, none. There is only stillness.
This is meditation, and I realize how important it is for me to practice coming into this space. I want to learn this mind control. I will master my wonderfully creative, over-active mind through meditation, and through directing all of my thoughts upward. I want to spend less time in busy thought, and more time immersed in the experience of LOVE. Love of self, of others, of nature, and of all that simply is.
Day 21
My spirits are often flagging today. I feel ready to be
done with this fast! But I keep regrouping, lifting myself
back up, and doing my best to follow Doug's advice to "stay
in the present" (because if I focus on the end of the fast,
it becomes very hard to wait for it!). My tongue is still
coated, my body still cleansing. I decide to speak with Doug
tomorrow about striking the balance between "going the distance"
and saving ample recovery days.
One of the fasters has organized a kind of club to help us support each other in sticking it out through the fast. He calls it "The Distance Club", and our motto is "Going the distance, in the fast lane". He even has a rock & roll theme song that gets played on the main speaker system at all of our lectures this week. It really does help - when the song comes on we all perk up, tapping our feet and dancing a little, giving each other high-fives (all from our horizontal position on our mattress-beds on the floor of the main lecture hall!). I am so glad to be sharing this experience with other fasters.
Day 22
In my balcony hammock today I make a sacred vow to myself,
and it is this:
I will reach for the highest thought I can in every moment,
and in this way I will keep my vibrational frequency tuned
to what I really, truly want.
To live this one simple (yet challenging!) action is really
my one highest aim! Just to keep tuning, tuning, tuning,
to be aware of (and in control of) the level of my
vibration in every moment.
Another complete article flows through me today and gets recorded in my journal.
I request a visit from Doug, and when he comes to my room I ask him if it might be best for me to end the fast a few days early so that I will have more recovery days to help my diseased digestive system get into working order. He assures me there will be ample recovery time, and explains how powerful the latter phases of a fast are, that it is like a snowball rolling down a hill and gathering momentum as it goes.
The benefits are greatest in the later days, he says. And he tells me that digestive disorders often require the longest fasts, so "hang in there". Of course, it is my choice if I want to stop now, he reminds me. A few tears smart, because I was hoping he would tell me to quit now, but I decide to continue on. It's only a few more days, after all, but every hour feels like at least a day, all of a sudden.
Day 23
I realize that my most treasured goal, the one that
supercedes all the others, is this:
Inner peace, bliss, and true knowledge of the Self. The
ability to calm the chatter of my mind, and to live in the
quiet spaces of the heart.
Yogaschittasvrittasnirodah: the Union of yoga.
Day 24
Today I invent a new chapter for my life, and the theme of
it is "taking full responsibility for my life". I read
yoga scriptures most of the day, and record a quote from
Lao Tsu:
"Can you coax your mind from its wandering and keep to the
original oneness?
Can you let your body become supple as a newborn child's?
Can you cleanse your inner vision until you see nothing but
the light?
Can you love people and lead them without imposing your
will?"
I learn that all of the fasters are struggling now, just trying to make it to the agreed-upon 26th day. Two fasters have already begun to eat again, but 10 of us remain fasting. Nearly all of us are finding that water just does not taste so good anymore. Doug gives some people a lemon wedge in their water, just to make it palatable. I don't need the lemon, but I am not enjoying my water anymore. It used to taste cool and refreshing, but now I just make myself drink it because I know I must stay well hydrated. It is hard to muster the energy or desire to even drink anymore.
Day 25
Today I have one of the most beautiful experiences of this
fast. I have a spontaneous experience of pure compassion
and love for another person, and it is very powerful. It
happens when Doug receives very distressing news of a
health crisis in his family. Our eyes connect briefly, and I am
suddenly, completely overcome with a pure sensation of love
and compassion in every cell of my body. This washes
through me and tears pour out. I am deeply able to feel
another's pain, and I am aware of how much I love and
appreciate this man who has held my hand through so much of
my own suffering. My heart is blessedly, completely, open.
I feel a strange sense of sadness that my fast will officially end tomorrow. I guess I've become a little attached to this different state of being. With the ending of the fast, I sense that the "real" world will come rushing back, and everything will be different, and much more complicated.
But I am also eagerly anticipating my first food, tomorrow!! (Stay tuned for Part V, the pleasures and trials of eating again.)
Home | About Ellen | Services | Products | Articles | Newsletters | Contact
Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Purchase Agreement
Copyright © 2007 Ellen Livingston