My Fasting Story, Part V
by Ellen Livingston
Note: In January I completed at 26-day hygienic healing fast on water only, in Costa Rica under the supervision of Dr. Douglas N. Graham. You can find the first four installments of this story at www.LivingYogaNow.com , under the "Articles" tab, then scroll to the bottom.
Day 26 - Time to eat!
I am glad I will be allowed to have food today, because
after feeling physically rather lousy yesterday, I was
surprised to have a significant bowel elimination, even
after 25 days with no food going in! I worried that a
healing crisis like that would warrant continuing my fast
another day, but Doug says it's time to eat, and Lennie
says, "be thankful for a great liver flush!", so I am glad
that my body was able to eliminate, and glad that I
continued the fast long enough for my body to get to this
level of cleansing. I have lost a total of 19 pounds.
After a day of waiting, 3:00 finally rolls around and it is "Watermelon Time!". Everyone showed up for lecture today, knowing it would be followed by our celebratory meal. And so we gather around a big table in the dining room -the first time we've been allowed to set foot in here since we arrived! - and our meal is served. Each of us has a knife, fork, napkin, and a plate with a paper thin half-moon of watermelon. The table has been set lovingly by the interns. Camera flashes go off all around us as the interns do a photo-shoot of this momentous occasion. Doug makes rounds, congratulating and hugging each of us individually. There are a few tears. We have truly accomplished something worth noting.
Minutes go by before anyone takes knife and fork to the watermelon. It's been so long, it's like we're not quite sure how to proceed. But we do, and it tastes INCREDIBLE! I just suck the juice out of my first few bites, like a popsicle with so much flavor I can't believe it. We laugh with joy to experience such deliciousness! Soon my whole tiny piece is gone, and I wish for more. We are told that in one hour we can return for another tiny piece, if we feel good after this one. Sure enough, we are all back at the table in exactly one hour, and again in one more hour!
We are like baby birds, weak and suddenly aware of a ravenous hunger that must be satisfied. The pieces gradually get slightly bigger, and by the fourth and final meal of the day we get a real-size piece. We are like little kids, jealously comparing the size and quality of each other's pieces.
Day 27
More watermelon for breakfast - in fact watermelon will be
our only food for three days. I don't mind at all, it
still tastes so incredible, and I'm certainly hungry enough
to eat almost anything! We're given bigger slices now, and
allowed seconds, and by dinnertime are entrusted to eat all
that we want, mindfully. By 11 am I have my first
post-food bowel movement, and all is well. I shed some
tears of relief, knowing that everything will be better
from now on, I have taken a big step for health.
We are encouraged to begin gently moving our bodies, just walking around the grounds and stretching. It feels good, but I feel very weak. Doug reminds us that essentially we are still fasting, because our caloric intake is nowhere near enough to meet our needs yet. So we are instructed to take it easy and continue resting.
Day 28
I awake with a migraine headache and blurry vision. I
think I clenched my teeth during a heavy sleep last night.
Some full sun on my whole body at the pool deck this
morning feels wonderful! My hike back up the hill goes
fine, but I forgot something down at the pool so I have to
go back. My second trip up is really tough. I have to
take several sit-down breaks.
When I finally make it all
the way up, I sit on the steps to the dining hall and cry.
All the emotion I've held for so long about my perception
of life being "too hard" overcomes me. I feel all the
weight of the burden I have carried around for so very,
very long. With fuel in my system now, I seem to have the
energy to express this emotion. The two female interns see
me and come over, putting their arms around me. Their
support helps me make a decision to drop my old perception
of life as a difficult burden that I must carry alone. I
choose instead to indulge myself with joy in the adventure
that every day can be.
My strength restored, I eat my biggest watermelon meal at lunchtime, and hope I haven't overdone it! My whole digestive system feels much steadier today, and more comfortable. It's clear, however, that I pushed the limits with this meal, so I rest in bed until lecture time.
Day 29
I awaken from a frightening dream in which I find myself
torn between worlds - wanting to be present for my yoga
students, but finding myself transported in consciousness
to some other place, led there by a god-icon that has
appeared by my side. I am caught in a powerful struggle in
and out of two worlds, wanting to fulfill my commitment to
my yoga students, but unable to stay in their world long
enough. I am very attracted to the other-worldly place,
but a demonic monster appears and keeps pulling me back. I
try to escape its clutches . . . I wake up.
Before breakfast I have my first "normal" bowel movement since before the fast. I am eating quite well now, approaching normal quantities already, and almost ready to streamline down to just three bigger meals a day.
For lunch today we are finally offered a new fruit - papaya! Here in Costa Rica it is called a "tree melon", and it comes closer in density to a watermelon than does a mango, so papaya is introduced to our sensitive systems first. It tastes okay to me, a little weird, and definitely sits heavier in my gut than the watermelon.
Day 31 (nothing reported on Day 30)
Another bad headache, after a night with lots of bowel
elimination, and I am very tired and weepy for the second
day in a row. Lennie comes to see me on my balcony after
breakfast, and we have a long talk. Lennie suggests that I
commit to doing the tedious work of reviewing my memories
that are associated with certain key emotional states I've
identified that seem to hold me back, and one by one
release the memories. I'm concerned because I think I have
so few memories of this kind, and can only list about 8 on
paper. After Lennie leaves, I decide to gather a pile a
stones and let each stone represent one memory.
I lie down on my bed with my pile of stones beside me. Each time I pick up a stone and hold it against my body, I relive a memory, identify where in my body I hold the feeling associated with that memory (the identified feelings of worthlessness, unloveableness, or rejection), and then take the stone (and the feeling) away from my body and set it down next to me. I have a breakthrough experience as the memories I believed were lost now flood into my consciousness, 71 of them! After going through the steps with each of these 71 memories, I throw each stone (and memory) off my balcony, one by one, consciously choosing to let go of these burdensome memories I've been schlepping around for so long.
I was skeptical of this release technique, but the insights I receive are powerful. I have discovered that I have LOTS of memories in this feeling category, and I have held nearly all of these feelings of unworthiness and rejection in the region of the solar plexus (some in the heart center), the exact region where I have experienced so much physical suffering with an inflamed esophagus. I feel such a big, positive shift, and I can't wait to share my breakthrough with Lennie. All of the self-pity I've been weeping with for the past two days vanishes.
Day 32
Cantaloupe for breakfast! It tastes so rich and
deliciously satisfying after so many watermelon meals.
I feel better this morning than I have yet, and I am
encouraged to try a fitness class with Doug. It is super
hard but also a lot of fun, with lots of laughs at our
atrophied bodies. Only five of the twelve fasters show up
- I am amazed that more don't take advantage of this rare
opportunity for a special class with one of the world's
finest fitness experts!
I have worked up a big appetite for the banana smoothie lunch, which is tastefully thicker today. It goes down fine, but still sits heavy in me all afternoon. Dinner is wonderful : papaya-O.J. drinks, a papaya platter, and a big green salad with tomatoes (in season here and incredible!), cucumbers, and a mango-berry dressing, made with some tart little Costa Rican berries.
I am enjoying reading "Eat, Pray, Love", by Elizabeth
Gilbert. I love these passages:
"I just want God. I want God inside me. I want God to
play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on
water." (p.185)
"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You
fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes
even travel around the world looking for it. You have to
participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own
blessings. And once you have achieved a state of
happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it,
you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into
that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If
you don't, you will leak away your innate contentment.
It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but
continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like
a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good
attainments. . . . The search for contentment is,
therefore, not merely a self-preserving and
self-benefitting act, but also a generous gift to the
world. Clearing out all your misery gets you out of the
way. You cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but
to anyone else. Only then are you free to serve and enjoy
other people." (pp.272-3)
Day 33
My sleep has become restless and fitful, with lots of bowel
activity, disturbing dreams, and sometimes hours of
insomnia. I have repeating dreams about being sucked
downward, grabbed and pulled away from where I am trying to
go, of being relentlessly pestered and even tortured. At
least I seem to have the strength in the dreams to fend off
these attackers and continue on my way. I got very firm
with one dream-woman who was pulling me back, and told her
in a very loud voice to "Get lost!".
I think I am contending with fears about going home to my regular life, with all of its stressors. The relative bliss of the fasting experience, where my sole agenda was rest, is over now and it is almost time to go home. It's time to take responsibility for creating health in my everyday world. I do not feel ready, not at all. I am not confident of my ability to secure sufficient rest and peace of mind in my busy, pressured life at home. I still have healing to do, and I hope I can create a healing environment at home, but I am definitely concerned.
Digestively speaking, I am still succeeding, but still feeling challenged by each banana lunch, especially now that my sleep is disrupted. I will ask Lennie to prepare me a mango smoothie for lunch tomorrow, and take a break from bananas. Dinners are getting interesting now, and include simple soups, salads, and dressings. I am getting some great food ideas.
I am inspired by this quote from Gurumayi: "The whole purpose of life is to undo your impression of limitation and the fear of the world that comes with it. The whole purpose of life is to strengthen your mind, your heart, and your body so that you can experience the Truth once again. God's glory. Boundless joy. Unconditional love. True devotion, and also the great virtues that inhabit you as an integral part of your nature . . . . If you hold yourself back because of fear, you will lose everything." ("My Lord loves a Pure Heart", p.10)
Day 34
Last night I had a digestive flare-up, my old esophagus
pain returned. I felt devastated, and afraid. I wanted
comfort and reassurance from Doug that everything would be
okay, that the fast had worked, but it was late and I
thought he might be sleeping. Instead I lay outside under a
glorious field of stars and let my pain be soothed by
feeling my connection to the Universe. The pain subsided
in a couple of hours (not the usual 2-3 days, thankfully!),
and I was able to sleep. I was strengthened by my ability
to handle this episode by myself (with a little help from
the Universe!).
This morning I took a walk with Doug and told him of my experience. He heard my concern, and my fear, but assured me that this was not a big deal, and not unexpected. While I cried, he encouraged me to keep stepping up to the plate one day at a time, to stay in the present moment, and to keep doing the right things to create health, to just keep taking responsibility for my health, and keep trusting the process. I hear this, and I am strengthened by his words and his patient support.
Back in my cabin, I write down realistic strategies for creating a healthy environment where I can continue my healing at home while living my life, caring for my children, and managing a business.
Day 35
I am so grateful for the great sleep I had last night, and
the subsequent resetting of my entire system! It is a
powerful testament to the reason to respect our need for
sleep at all times!!! I received so much support from
interns and other fasters through my rough day yesterday,
and that felt really good. I was able to emerge from a
state of real discouragement and even devastation (that my
symptoms could still flare up) with renewed hope and
commitment for a bright future with fully restored health.
This is very exciting! I see my "set-back" as actually a net
leap forward.
Lennie gives us a wonderful food prep demo, and I am able to enjoy a large and delicious dinner meal, including cabbage. Yea!
Day 36
I am enjoying Doug's rehab fitness classes, getting ideas
for home workouts, and going on longer walks up and down
the mountainous roads surrounding the retreat center.
Sometimes my arm and leg muscles are sore beyond any
experience I've ever had, and I have to take a rest day or
two. I am surprised and humbled by this process of
restoring my muscular strength after a month of bedrest.
It is clear that the younger fasters are recovering their
strength faster than us older folks.
Lennie gives a fun and creative demonstration on making food garnishes, and I can't wait to show my children all these great ideas! Dinners are delicious, gourmet (in lowfat raw vegan 80-10-10 style, of course!), extended social affairs. It is fun to get to know each other on other levels, now that we all have more energy for conversation! And long drawn-out dining gives us a chance to get more calories into our receptive bodies. But sometimes I know I'd be better off resting more still, and eating more simply. Two of the young male fasters have overdone at a meal and experienced uncomfortable bouts of illness and vomiting. We still must be careful.
Day 37
This is my last day, and night, in this little room. I'm
glad to be moving on, but still wishing for more recovery
time in this place of warm sunshine and understanding
support. What a trek this has been, and continues to be!
I am impressed and delighted by what I have been able to
eat so far, but also know that I need to implement some
serious changes at home. I look forward to my comfortable
bed at home, and my simpler dinners. And I can't wait to
wrap my children in my arms.
My esophagus is still sensitive, but much less so. I will have to be happy with this result. My digestive system has been re-set, and is much improved already. My skin is baby-soft and smoother than ever. Emotional and spiritual gains have been enormous, and will continue to unfold with time, I am certain. My weight and strength will return in due time. I feel like a new person, but still in fledgling form, strong yet delicate, and in need of some protection for a while.
Day 38
Group photos, and the long bus ride back over the mountains
to San Jose. Last night's dinner was an especially fun and
festive affair, and really brought a nice sense of closure.
The bus ride today provides a perfect transition space.
Back at our first night's hotel, we enjoy a final dinner together. I have the good fortune to share a table with Doug's parents, Marty and Bea, and get to hear interesting stories about Doug's childhood! Doug's wife and child, Rozi and Fayechesca, arrive late, tired from their journey from England, so they don't join us.
Day 39 - Going home
This morning I have a wonderful long one-on-one connection
with Roz. We share fasting stories, parenting stories, and
life stories. It makes up (a little) for my disappointment
that she wasn't present during the fast. I feel happy,
knowing that I have Doug, and Roz, and Lennie, and all the
interns and fasters in my life, and in my support-circle,
as I prepare to return to Michigan this afternoon.
Stay tuned . . . in the final edition of my fasting story I will recount my somewhat tumultuous, and ultimately healthy re-entry into life back at home.
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